Sexual Assault

When Vengence Eclipses Justice

Today, while Nassar went through another round of sentencing, a father of three abused daughters (two of which were standing next to him in court with tears in their eyes) Randall Margraves begged for just 5 minutes of time with the offender in a room.  He pled with the judge, and after being obviously refused, Margraves decided to take vengeance into his own hands and bolted towards the disgraced abuser.  He was forcefully taken down by court police and cuffed.

I don’t blame him for having a visceral reaction to Nassar.  I can’t imagine the pain Margraves is having, knowing that Nassar abused his daughters.  The people who were supposed to protect me either shamed or discarded me after my assault, so I don’t have a direct frame of reference, but if someone had hurt my child in this way, I likely would have the same desire to set that person straight.  Perhaps with my fists.

But when I watched this tape for the second time, my focus changed.  I could hear his daughters, who had been standing next to him during his impact statement.  They were distressed, and crying in shock as the person they loved was suddenly overcome with anger and subsequently arrested for his courtroom outburst.  Their sounds were those of scared women, scared of losing their person.  The one who is standing there speaking up against the person who abused them.

The internet is calling him a hero.  Likely because Margraves did what we all wanted to do.  Serve a quick punch to the face of justice.  The build-up of pain was a timebomb waiting to happen in the Nassar case.  With so much restraint and elegance among the women, there had to be a breaking point.

And I hear you.  I really do.

AND.  The cycle of violence MUST be broken.  Power was abused over these girls (now women) as they were sexually molested over and over by Nassar.  POWER is what we are talking about here.  Nassar had it and used it in unfathomable ways.  Margraves also was attempting to use his power to assault.

I still stand with the women.  The women in the Nassar case were exceedingly eloquent and powerful in their strength and testimony. But in this case, the women that Margraves supports were in terror of their father’s behavior, as evidenced by the sounds of anguish as he was taken to the ground.

Part two of “I don’t wish rape on my rapist.”

 

 

church, Religious Trauma Syndrome, Sexual Assault, Spiritual Abuse

#ChurchToo

When pastors can get up in front of their congregation and get a standing ovation for admitting that they sexually assaulted a minor, we are CLEARLY missing the mark.

This month, Tennessee Pastor Andy Savage spoke to his church admitting to a “sexual incident” with a 17-year-old girl. This “incident”  involved pressuring this girl to perform oral sex on him. For the rest of this post, I will refer to this “incident” as sexual assault, as that is the correct term.

Previously mentioned in past posts, I find the vast access of clergy to be very problematic in the incidents of sexual assaults because of the implicit trust placed in their hands.

Christianity Today’s Editor, Kately Beaty hits the nail on the head with this response: 

“In these cases, you have a very vertical understanding of forgiveness, something that happens between the perpetrator and God. But we lack a horizontal understanding. There really has to be a reckoning with the wrong done to this woman.”

Let’s call a spade a spade.  Using your spiritual and male privilege to convince a youth to perform oral sex on you, is sexual assault.  It’s not an “incident.”  Until we are able to be direct and blunt about responsibility (the onus is on the person in power of the sexual situation) we will not be able to move forward as a culture, a church, and a movement.

There must be frameworks and expectations put in place, and followed up with by outside agencies when it comes to crimes on church property, or with the clergy.

Churches have an obligation to be a safe haven for people to go.  A place for them to be safe, and to make sure that they are taken care of.  As a young person, this church failed me.

Subsequently to the #metoo movement, I’ve found the #churchtoo hashtag.  This is a bold statement of women and girls to say that the church has been abusive by either being the abuser or enabling abuse to occur on the property or at sponsored events.

Just recently, I asked to meet with my former youth pastor.  I disclosed to him in the early 2000’s about my rape on church property during a youth group night event.  (Side note:  When I disclosed my rape, (which occurred next to a bathroom that was further away from the youth event, but still within the building,) the first thing he said was “well, why were you over there?”  Not, “I’m so sorry.” or “That’s horrible, how can we, the church support you?”) Immediately, (via FB messenger) he avoided my request to meet, even invoking his wife as a reason, stating that he doesn’t meet with women alone.  I responded that if she needed to attend our meeting, I’d be fine with that, giving him no other excuse.

When he further pushed as to the reason of my meeting, I answered that I wanted more information about the reporting he did upon learning of the sexual assault that happened on the property.  He then told me that it happened so long ago, that he didn’t really remember anything.  I pressed him to meet with me for “closure” and my healing, and he told me he’d “pray about it” and get back to me after the holidays.  This was over a year ago, before Christmas 2016.

Just tonight, January 2018, he told me that he wasn’t comfortable with the meeting, to which I let him know that I would be going to the media with my story.  He then suddenly remembered that he had gone to the church leadership and they had “reported” the crime, and I should take up any media attention and direct it at the church itself (with his implication that he shouldn’t be involved.)

Since the police never approached me with the information about the rape, it’s clear that my rape was never actually reported to the authorities.

There are many major issues here.

  1.  The youth pastor likely did not report the rape that occurred during a youth sponsored event, after I disclosed my assault.  If he had,  he would have told me a year ago when I asked in December 2016.
  2. The youth pastor stated that he disclosed my rape to the “leadership” (of which he still has not named) at the church, (this information was “recalled” during a FB message 1/25/2018) who also did not report the rape that happened at a church-sponsored event.  If he cannot name who he spoke to, it makes it sound like he buried it himself, and he’s trying to cover his tracks. There is a pending question of who he spoke to in “leadership” that has been seen, but so far unresponded to, leading me to further believe that he is attempting to cover his tracks.*
  3. If he had been open and reported the crime, why is he elusive about answering basic questions about a life-threatening assault that happened?  Did the church protect one of its own with the hopes that my experience would not come out?  What are the long-reaching implications of this policy, and how many other people over the years have been harmed by this church?
  4. He would be open and honest about who he spoke to, if his intent and interest is doing what is right, not doing what is best for himself or the church.

I’ve yet to come out and name this church or pastor(s) publically, except to a few local people in common with the church and friends.  My intent is NOT to smear the name of the church, but rather to call to account the person(s) involved with keeping a violent crime “in the family” rather than reporting it to authorities, and/or offering me support. (Or I’d name the church right now.)

The Sr. Pastor of the church I was assaulted with is no longer in ministry and has entered the corporate world.  This youth pastor that I’ve interacted with is still in ministry and is a local Sr. Pastor of a church (that he “planted”).  I have deep concerns for any/all youth and young people who are within the church, as they will not be protected or supported by this pastor.

Where do we go from here?  How do we protect our youth and young adults from (1) predators, and (2) an insulated hierarchy of clergy?  Should we not expect transparency from persons in spiritual (and typically male) positions of power?

 

 

*Update: after my last “who did you report it to” question, he finally agreed to a meeting.  I will update after this meeting, but likely no new information will be revealed.

 

#metoo #silenceisnotspiritual #justiceforjules

 

Sexual Assault

This rape survivor doesn’t wish rape on her rapist… An article on Larry Nassar.

A huge win for rape and sexual assault survivors happened this week with the conviction and significant sentencing of Larry Nassar, a doctor for MSU and for the national gymnastics team. Nassar, previously sentenced to 60 years for child pornography, received stunning 40 to 175 years for the violations against a multitude of women during his two-decade tenure, some as young as six years old (and including much of the 2016 Olympic Team.)

As a survivor myself, I watched as the judge who presided over the case gave unprecedented access for survivors to detail to the court the impact Nassar had through the decades he violated these girls.  More than 150 women and girls came forward to tell their stories, while Nassar complained of mental trauma for being required to be in court the entire time. His statement of the complaint via letter to the judge said “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” brought gasps from the people in the court. By not allowing Nassar to avoid hearing each story, this judge gave a powerful message to survivors.  “You are heard, your story matters.”

From the moment Nassar appeared in court, the judge made her wishes known, she would allow other people to sexually assault Nassar in response to the horrible things he had done to women and girls.

“Our Constitution does not allow for cruel and unusual punishment,” she said. “If it did, I have to say, I might allow what he did to all of these beautiful souls ― these young women in their childhood ― I would allow some or many people to do to him what he did to others.”

~ Judge Rosemarie Aquilina

I truly understand this kneejerk reaction.  I really do.

Nassar inflicted pain on others, long-lasting (and often life-long trauma). However, I was shocked to see the cascade of “he will be in jail, and hopefully be raped over and over” responses to his sentencing.

For me, this is counter to the #metoo movement. The very implication that anyone should be raped is triggering for many survivors.  This sets the precedent that rape is a tool for vengeance, punishment, and retribution. There’s justice, and there’s vengeance.  Through the confines of the law, Nassar will be in jail for the rest of his life.  Short of the death penalty, this is the stiffest sentence he could receive from the courts.

Charles Gardner Geyh, a law professor at Indiana University’s Maurer School of Law commented on this case with succinct accuracy.

Suggesting that it would be fitting for Nassar to be sexually victimized, if only the law allowed it, was “a step too far. She is the representative of the government here,” he said. “From the law’s perspective, we ought to be saying no sexual assault at all.”

~ Charles Gardner Geyh

So now what?  Where do we go from here?

As we reel from the impact of such a massive and public case, our focus must shift.  We need to move from “what a bad man Nassar is” to, “what/who contributed to this man’s ongoing abuse of girls/women” and “why did no one believe these girls as they told their stories over the years?”  Instead of spending our time giving Nassar more attention by wishing harm on him, let’s move to “how do we prevent this in the future.”

In some cases, the parents of these abused minors were in the ROOM when Nassar sexually abused them.  Take a moment and re-read that.

Changes are happening, but shockingly slowly, and in direct proportion to the publicity that Nassar’s case received.  Michigan State University’s president,  Lou Anna Simon just came down last week.

The Karolyi Ranch was recently also dismissed from the USA Gymnastics services for reported knowledge of the abuse and fostering the environment that led to concealment of the abuse by Nassar.    A lawsuit claims the Karolyis created an oppressive, abusive environment at the Ranch that included scratching children until they bled, depriving them of food and water, screaming obscenities and encouraging parents to hit their children, court records state. It alleges that environment enabled Nassar to “groom” children by sneaking them food and acting as their friend in order to sexually abuse them.

Steve Penny, the CEO of USA Gymnastics for more than 10 years, resigned in March 2017 amid the controversy.  Several coaches and other adults knew about the abuse for years and did not pursue the proper legal frameworks in place to prosecute the offenders.

Sexual abuse/assault/rape MUST be taken more seriously across the board, and I am so thankful for the giant leaps that high-profile cases are taking to pave the way for survivors to feel as though they can successfully prosecute their abusers. But, let’s not kid ourselves, there is SO far to go.  Stiffer punishments must be dealt out for people who enable, harbor or otherwise encourage sexual abuse and assault.

I challenge the world to focus on continuing to hear survivors, believe victims, and prosecute abusers, without getting bogged down in retribution.  We MUST support unbiased (AND EXTERNAL) oversight of athletic programs involving children and women.  We MUST continue to clean out places where abusers hide, especially among our most vulnerable populations.

We MUST work on ending the backlog of rape kits, where survivors have bravely faced rape exams to provide valuable biological information on their rapists. The estimate is HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS of rape kits sit untested and unprocessed in the United States.  Prosecution of sexually based crimes MUST be treated with equal weight as other physical crimes like assault.

The burden MUST shift from “what was she doing to encourage or allow this assault to happen” to “she is not to blame, 100% of rapes are because of rapists.”

Try not to get bogged down in the anger, and feelings of revenge.

Believe women.  Stand with them.

#metoo