As we enter into the holiday season, my heart starts to settle a bit. My assault anniversary is now behind me, and I find that my heart starts to still. What comes with outward stillness, is inward movement. My brain is famous for stirring up all sorts of memories and thoughts and I find that I start to spin a bit.
This year was a bit different. I am and was dealing with a health crisis around the time of the assault anniversary, leading to my need to backburner my feelings. As the emergent issues of that health issue passed, I found that the refuse of the anniversary remained, strong as ever.
So what happens when life around is still, but your mind is moving so quickly? What happens when there isn’t a big T trauma happening? Where does your mind go?
For me, I start to spin on trust. My physical issues have led me to need to step back from my roles as wife/mother more and rely heavily on my partner to take care of a lot of the day to day things I’d typically do. This dependence has created a feeling of vulnerability in myself.
What IF our value was simply based on what we contribute? And if that is the case, when our ability to perform those roles diminishes, what do we become? Are we less worthy? Are we less of a partner? Are we less of a value?
When looking at the 5 love languages, I fall STRONGLY into the quality time and acts of service camp when giving love to others. I deeply desire to connect authenticly with those that mean most to me, and when possible, meet needs. Over the past months, my ability to do either one has gone down severely causing me to question my value in my friendships.
Being still, and vulnerable is a very big struggle for me. What am I if I am not at my best? Then, to unpack that further, what is “best”? Once boiled down, “best” equates to optimum efficiency and output, as if I am a wifebot, mombot, or friendbot and my value is based on what I can do, how much and how well I can do it. And isn’t that the kicker?
What if they don’t find me valuable anymore?
We all just want to be seen, heard, connected and valued.