Medication

Dear Xanax,

Xanax is used to treat anxiety disorders, panic disorders,

and anxiety caused by depression

Xanax, I lovehate you.

You are the ultimate disassociation.  The one I choose rather than the one that sneaks out from the corner.   You are an escape from the world.  You are an escape from my mind.

The ultimate weapon that my trauma uses is my mind.  I spin and spin to make sense of what happened to me, around me.  If I can just think hard enough, if I can just explain it enough, what I did enough, I can put everything in a neat clear Tupperware box with labels.

At times, you numb my soul enough to be able to face the world. When sharp flashes come at me through stairwells or men walking too close behind me, my heart races to catastrophic levels and sometimes you are my only options.  You reduce the marathon to a stroll and I can take a deep breath.  I trade this breath for the brain being lifted like a balloon from my neck for hours on end.  Sometimes, the choice of medicating leaves me vacant from my body for a full day.  Most of the time it’s worth it. Sometimes it isn’t.

I’m often torn on whether I’m “bad off enough” to take one.  The ultimate irony is being anxious about taking an anxiety medication.  I get anxious to ask for refills of anxiety medications.  I get anxious talking about anxiety medication.

However, I’m deeply thankful for the safety net of knowing you’re in my toolbox.

 

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