Recently I’ve identified as being numb. This is a scary place to be. When one feels nothing, there is no place to go but down.
I sat on the floor of my therapist’s office (yes we do this), today and expressed how numb I felt to life, and this alarmed me. Typically little things like the sound of my child laughing and my husband kissing me on the forehead would bring a smile to my face, but I just had no reaction to them anymore, other than straight apathy.
For 30 minutes I sat there describing my apathy, my numbness while Jess deftly navigated around how I presented. Until I came to the realization that numb is another presentation for emotionally flooded.
I’m currently overwhelmed with feelings, and when I am overwhelmed, I tend to go inward and shut down. For the past 6 weeks or so, I’ve been a metaphorical emotional black hole.
I have a pattern of being very frustrated with the pattern of cycling back on a topic that I feel I’ve “dealt with” in the past. If I’ve brought the trauma to the surface in the past, talked about it “to death,” picked it apart, and “processed it” I feel like it should be done.
Right? It’s that simple.
I feel deep shame when I circle around to an issue that I’ve brought up before and feel like I’ve met a conclusion with. As if there’s some sort of failure curve in therapy.
I’ve wanted to write, and every time I open this page, I felt this pang of failure. I have a big topic to discuss but felt like it wasn’t the BIG trauma, thus, not important enough to write about. This came up on the floor today too. I couldn’t talk about this other trauma because it’s not like my life was on the line here. I wasn’t going to die in this situation. So it wasn’t important. So I turned those feelings inward to apathy.
IT wasn’t important.
So *I* wasn’t important.
I need to get to writing.