When I started the vulnerability project, I assumed that because I was in control of the situations of vulnerability, that I’d always leave feeling positive about those experiences.
I’ve discovered this just isn’t the case.
The Vulnerability Project is hard.
Vulnerability is hard.
Part of me is extremely thankful that those around me can’t relate with trauma. What kind of person would I be if I wished those around me to have that experience in order to have them be able to be on trauma island with me?
Recently I went to another Authentic Relating event where I shared that I have PTSD. This is a vulnerable this for me to share with relatively new people, and I didn’t feel seen or understood. Not only that, but focus quickly shifted from me to someone else. This is a frequent occurrence when people are uncomfortable, and when those around me are unable to relate to my experience.
Recently, my mother was vulnerable with me, sharing her feelings about her parents quickly descending into dementia. In exchange, I was vulnerable with her I shared that I just wanted to check out of life, and she said “some people just can’t cope with trauma” and compared my experience by proxy with a breakdown my cousin had. This felt really discounting and dismissive of my experience.
I half-joked with my therapist that I just wanted to have a cot in her office and move in. There needs to be a primer written about trauma. Trauma language, how to relate with those who have experienced trauma. How to be value and share space with people who are sharing their experiences and being vulnerable.
Maybe THIS is what I need to write.