As I’ve become more open to vulnerability, it’s dark sidekick, anxiety has come along for the ride. When I talk about anxiety, I’m not talking about the basic worry of “did I get milk at the store?” I’m speaking about debilitating “I am not sure if I can leave the house today, and I’m pretty sure I can’t breathe.”
Often those who haven’t experienced full out trauma based anxiety can’t imagine what it is like to live with chronic and unpredictable anxiety. For a more lengthy glimpse into my personal brand on a single day, feel free to visit here.
What is particularly frustrating is when anxiety takes up residence both in the mind and the body. Anxiety for me has raised shoulders, tensed muscles, intense heat and right now a very sharp stabbing pain when I breathe in right in my Solar Plexus. Breathing is apparently something people do on a regular basis, so not being able to take full breaths is very frustrating, which in turn raises my anxiety. It’s a never ending loop.
Nothing brings more attention to my body than massage/bodywork. This week was a really dichotomous week for me. Wednesday, I experienced a huge breakthrough of the best breathing I’d had in years. I felt like a weight had lifted off my body and when I took in air, I could feel it filling up all the way to the top of my lungs, something I never do when I breathe. I recall sitting down after the session and crying from just pure relief that I actually could breathe, as I didn’t know it was possible to take in that much air. However, on Friday I felt trauma’s grip on me again, wringing my insides
However, on Friday I felt trauma’s grip on me again, wringing my insides and after session, I sat there feeling nauseous and defeated. Part of what frustrates me so is this never ending orbit of trauma, one day doing fantastic, and the next feeling like total shit. Today I’m in trauma hangover, and I feel like I’m living in adrenal fatigue. I feel as though each time I take a full breath, I’m stabbed, so I breathe more and more shallowly, leading to the sense of panic, which of course reinforces the loop.
Do I take a Xanax? Am I “bad enough” to medicate? It feels like such a failure to take a pill to “human.”
The Body Keeps The Score.
The Cycle Of Trauma.