“Of all the things trauma takes away from us, the worst is our willingness, or even our ability, to be vulnerable. There’s a reclaiming that has to happen.”
~ Brené Brown ~
Perhaps you are living in a trauma body. Perhaps breathing is a luxury at times. Perhaps people tell you to relax and you smile, half wishing you could take the advice and half wishing you could peel your head open for just one moment to let them into your world.
Perhaps you show up to the restaurant 15 minutes early to see if you are in the right place… Perhaps even to make sure that HE isn’t there. Whoever HE is to you. Perhaps you sit with your back to the wall, facing the door. You know every entrance, every exit, and every person in that bar. Perhaps you take a sharp breath when you smell that scent, you know the one. Perhaps it’s that trench coat. I mean, who wears that in a restaurant, what is under there, it’s likely going to do you in, oh wait it’s just his golf polo and khakis, you can stand down for just a moment while you scan for more danger as he sits down with his blonde twenty something.
Perhaps you have the ICE app on your phone, set to every person who could save you. Perhaps that ICE app only has one number. Perhaps that number didn’t save you before. Perhaps it’s only in there to let the people know who find you where to find your next of kin. Perhaps this is the only reason you don’t have a pass lock on your phone.
Perhaps when you leave you grab your phone, and take your keys, one between each knuckle. Perhaps you hide that you do this with your friends by putting your hands in your pockets. Perhaps you envy the ease in which they walk at night to their cars. Perhaps your heart races while you walk, wishing you had packed nearer to your friends so you could pretend to talk to them when in fact you were just needing them for herd mentality. Perhaps you moderate your breathing so you can have enough to take a deep breath and scream or run at any second.
Perhaps you see him everywhere.
Perhaps you needed to hear you are not alone.